Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
