Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
try to milk me bitch
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