For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
