I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
