i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
