If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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