I got chris browned last night
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize