And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
