I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
