After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
