Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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