i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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