I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just saw a hot homeless man
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
