Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you win again, gameday.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
