Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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