She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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