I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
