I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
