It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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