Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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