dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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