Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
