Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
