I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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