I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
