if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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