my phone needs a breathalizer
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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