im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
