that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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