I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
