Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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