I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i wish my penis had a tongue
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
