Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
