he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I enjoy the company of your penis
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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