dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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