It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
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