Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Randomize
