the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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