lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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