Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
