how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
