mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
