Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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