I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
