New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
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