I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
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