Kareoke will never be a sober sport
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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