dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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