woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
