i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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