I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
