Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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