It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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