that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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