I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize