Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
