I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
