god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wish you could order shots online.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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