Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
