My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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