Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
