i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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