hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
