i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
