You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
