you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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