I can tuck mytits in my pants
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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